thank God they didn't. not because they're cowards but because God has saved me from destroying myself and who i am in Him.

it felt good bashing them with words, seeing them grope for answers in anger. it has been a long time since the last time i really chose to battle with words.

i live in a 12-door apartment built in such a way that a single untentional loud sound can be such a nuisance to our neighbors. I would not mention the details as it would make me angry again but to cut it all short, we had a confrontation last night with one of our neighbors. I fought them with words. It has always been my principle that putting other people down cannot be tolerated mainly because it's wrong. Young or old alike should have mutual respect for each other, courtesy protocols. I do not deny that we're quite noisy at times (we're a happy bunch of people!:D) but to have been treated as imbeciles comprehended as not able to understand them is a different story. My sack of patience and self control nearly got empty to stop myself from slapping my diploma unto his face. I fought them (together with my housemates and kakampis) and a little smile of victory spread acoss my lips as i see them retreating because they can answer no more (still in anger causing them to say that "mahirap kami kausapin")

it felt good...

until the rebuke comes...

My head pastor came and as he spoke, God made me realize these things...

whatever has happened to the grace and patience that i once so eagerly wanted my youth alagas to learn as i bashed each word they say with my own wit and sarcasm?

whatever has happened to the warnings i received even before entertaining my irritaion which eventually developed into anger in just 5 minutes?

whatever has happened to my testimony as a child aspiring to be like her Savior?

whatever has happened to Kat as a child of the living God, saved by grace, redeemed through Christ's agony and death on the cross, cleansed by her Saviour's blood?

I cried with tears of repentance before sleeping. i've made a humiliating act before my God. I could have just swallowed their words if that would be the way to bring them to Christ. Could have controlled my tongue, stopped my mind from taking such actions if to be silent would bring Jesus unto their lives. Could have...should have...

i do not say that we compromise our integrity and don't act in righteousness if something wrong is happening around us, or betteryet, about us. we still should act in truth, honesty. that's what i did. But i forgot the most important ingredients... peace and love.

I have to live peacefully with everyone if that could testify God's love to our neighbors and to my lovedones. I am to live in love because our God is love and that He loves me with an everlasting love... and so should i. i have to love unconditionally.

up to this very moment, i still feel irritated thinking about what happened last night but i just give it all up to God. Last night, even if i did something disgraceful as a child of God, i still asked God, "Lord, ipagtanggol Mo po kami.." and He did. He still lovingly did...

but He still called me for repentance after...

Thank you, Lord for teaching me to be humble each day, for teaching me to love You in Your way, for molding me continuously, for loving me, and for eveything. Teach in the way i should go for to you i lift up my soul.. Forgive me, my Father... In the name of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, i pray unto You..